Divine
by ShelLaura
Summary: Hotch/Reid slash. AU, Hotch is a priest, Reid turns to religion after the Tobias Hankel case. Spoilers for Revelations.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:**** Thanks go to lintu who inspired me to write this and Felsenkeks for betaing it.**

Chapter 1

Coming down from his high, Spencer Reid stumbled up the stairs to the Romanesque cathedral. Two hours ago he had shot the last remnants of the dilaudid he had stolen from Tobias Hankel. He had reached a crossroad in his life; he had to decide how to go on living. His wish was to get a grip on himself, to go back to being the person he used to be. He knew it wasn't that easy, he didn't even know if he deserved any second chances. But he had to at least try to come to terms with himself and he knew he could only do that if he talked to somebody, if he confessed his sins.

He briefly stopped in front of the metal gate to look up to the wreaths hanging on it before he pushed the doors open and entered. There were a few people in the church but they were all sitting in different pews. The amount of space between them indicated that each one of them had come on his or her own, that each and every one of them was all alone. He didn't want to profile yet he couldn't help but notice the obvious. The church seemed to be a gathering place for lonely people. Reid was vaguely reminded of a Beatles song and had to swallow as it dawned on him that he was one of those lonely people.

He lowered his head as he made his way to the confessional. The heavy velvet curtain was drawn back halfway on the left compartment to reveal that this side was empty. Reid took a deep breath, got in and adjusted the curtain. The grid, through which he knew he was supposed to speak to the priest, was closed off and he heard a hushed voice. He tried to make out what it was saying but before he knew it, the voice was quiet. Then the sliding screen was pulled back and he saw the silhouette of a man. Spencer jumped slightly, but burst out "Forgive me father, for I have sinned".

There was a short pause and then a low voice asked, "How long has it been since your last confession? "

Reid was suddenly back in Tobias Hankel's cabin where the alternate personality of his father mauled the agent's feet with a log to get him to confess his sins. He cringed and his left foot gave a jerk at the memory. Spencer made a pained sound before saying "I've never confessed to a priest before"

"You do not confess to a priest. You confess to God", the voice said and the tone of it somehow managed to calm the young man down.

"My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. My father left us, left me alone with her when I was still a little boy. The day I turned eighteen I had her institutionalized", Reid whispered. When the priest did not respond right away he added, "I sent my mother away. Exodus 21:17 says..."

The priest interrupted. "But you didn't curse your mother. You helped her"

"She didn't want to leave. When those men came to pick her up, she was so afraid and so sad", Spencer pressed his lips together to keep them from quivering as he thought back to that day.

"Mental illness is something that has to be treated professionally. It's not something a single person, much less a child can cope with. You made sure your mother got the help she needed, I don't see how this could be a sin"

Reid frowned. He hadn't expected to hear these words from the priest.

"Is that the only thing you wanted to confess? ", the priest asked and again his voice seemed to touch something inside of Reid.

"No", he said and rubbed over his face with both hands. There was so much he wanted to say, he had made several mistakes in his life but he wasn't sure whether they classified as sin. He wished he could actually talk to the priest but confessionals were there for confessions, not conversations. So he got to the point and admitted the one thing he couldn't tell anyone, the one thing he was truly ashamed of, the one thing that was killing him. "I took dilaudid. That's a drug, I took a drug"

"God wants us to take care of our bodily health, our safety and the safety of others", the priest said.

"I know that. I never wanted to do it but I was forcefully introduced to it. I didn't want it but it helped me. It made the pain to go away and... and I could escape from everything", he stopped. "He was a murderer and we were going to catch him but then he abducted me and did this to me. I killed the man, I killed him to save my life but then I took the drugs from his dead body..." Spencer's teeth had started chattering and a tear had escaped his right eye.

"You are aware of your wrongdoing", the priest said, then paused. "The only thing I can do is tell you to stop abusing drugs. If you feel you can't do that, if you're already addicted then you need to seek help. Because you can do it, but you might not be able to do it on your own. As for your penance, do you know the Act of Contrition? "

"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all, because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen"

"Very good. Pray it again at night"

"I will"

"May our Lord Jesus Christ absolve you; and by His authority I absolve you from every bond of suspension and interdict, so far as my power allows and your needs require", the silhouette moved and Spencer assumed the priest had made the sign of the cross, "Thereupon, I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen"

"Thank you", Spencer uttered.  
>"Go in peace", the priest said.<p>

Reid stood up and just remembered to reply "Thanks be to God", before exiting the confessional.

Although there was still a lot on his mind and many issues unresolved, he felt strangely optimistic. He could do this. He would find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in his area and he would go there. He would get his life back together. He was not a bad person, his transgressions could be forgiven.  
>Reid was just about to exit the church when he changed his mind and sat down in the rearmost church pew. He kneeled down and pretended to pray but really he kept an eye on the confessional. Spencer had been surprised with the way the priest had treated him, he hadn't acted judgemental at all. While he knew that was the way a priest was supposed to act, he knew this churchman was very different from the other ones he had met in his life.<p>

His deep voice had been so soothing; it had been like balm for Spencer's lost soul. He had to at least know what the man looked like.

By the time the door of the middle compartment of the confessional opened, Spencer's head had begun aching terribly, he felt nauseous and the crook of his arm was itching. But it was all momentarily forgotten when he lay eyes on the emerging priest. He looked like he was at most forty years old; he was tall, had short raven hair and was utterly handsome.

The man let his eyes wander and when he saw Reid staring at him he smiled the most diminutive smile he'd ever seen. Spencer blushed but the priest didn't see it because at that moment an elderly lady called "Father Hotchner!" and scurried towards him. Reid took the opportunity to get up and leave the church.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Spencer took some of the vacation time his boss Jason Gideon had been advising him to use for the past five years he had been working in the BAU. The team knew he was still struggling with the aftermath of his capture, so nobody questioned his decision.

He didn't leave his house for the first days, going through cold turkey and trying to distract himself from the cramps and fits of dizziness. Reid felt lousy and wretched but he knew he had to endure it and there was no other way for him to do this. He knew he would compromise his job if he went into rehab. But he was also positive that his addiction had not advanced to the point where withdrawal treatment was absolutely necessary. He just wished he didn't have to be alone while he suffered.

In a feverish dream the priest was there with him, holding his hand and telling him everything was going to be okay. When Spencer woke up, he cried in disappointment that the man was not and had never been there.

He went to a NA meeting the day he felt better. It was everything and nothing he had expected of it, but now his wish to stay clean and recover was even greater. However he had not anticipated the Twelve Steps to be so spiritual and he was sure the mentionings of God, as well as the eighth step, were what made him show up at the cathedral again.

Reid had still not sorted his relationship to religion but he felt like he had to make amends to the priest. He saw him as soon as he entered; the man was standing at the altar and rearranging candles.

"Father Hotchner? ", he asked and licked his lips nervously.

The priest nodded and smiled another tiny smile which almost left Reid breathless.

"Can I talk to you about something, um, personal? "

"Of course", he said and touched Spencer's arm, "Come with me"

He followed the cleric behind the altar and into a chamber which had a small table and two chairs in it. The priest gestured for Reid to take a seat and when he did, he himself sat down on the other chair.

"I came to you a couple of days ago to confess. And you… absolved me. It motivated me. I'm clean now and I went to a meeting today"

"That's great to hear"

"I wanted to thank you. But I also need to apologize to you. I told you it was my first confession. That was because I don't go to church. Well, I didn't use to go. When I was younger, when my father was still with us, we went to church a couple of times. My parents are both very religious, they taught me the Bible and they believe… But, um, I…"

"You don't? ", the priest asked and Spencer was amazed at his gentleness.

"I don't know. That's actually the worst thing about my situation now. I don't know anything anymore. I used to believe in God as a child, but it was similar to my belief in Santa Claus. The older I got the more I questioned it and when one Christmas morning the socks weren't filled because my mom was having one of her episodes, I figured it out.

"I've studied mathematics, chemistry, engineering, psychology, sociology and philosophy. The latter one was to challenge myself because this subject is not just about facts. But I believe in facts, in numbers, in statistics. I believe in things that can be scientifically proven. There is no evidence for God's existence so I didn't believe in God... I don't mean to offend you"

The priest smiled again. "I don't feel offended. You said you didn't believe in God"

"I didn't until… I work for the FBI, we catch serial killers. On our latest case there was a man, Tobias Hankel, murdering people he felt were sinners and deserved it. He abducted me, brought me to a cabin in the woods and held me there for two days. He drugged and tortured me. Actually it is more complicated than that. He had dissociative identity disorder. He gave me the dilaudid to help me, because it eased the pain from the beatings. He wanted me to confess my sins. When I didn't he showed me videos of sinners and told me to decide who should die. I don't know exactly what he saw in me, but when I wouldn't cooperate, he got angry. He beat me again and then the chair he had strapped me to fell over and I… I had a cardiac arrest. I was dead."

There was silence for a few moments. Spencer raised his head to look the priest in the eye. There was nothing but sympathy on the man's face and it encouraged Reid to go on, if only slowly.

"I felt warm and I saw a light. I saw gentle lights and shadowy figures and everything was so peaceful. And then I was torn out of it and back in the cabin. Tobias had resuscitated me. It doesn't make sense from a scientific point of view. I tried to find research on it, but the discharge of neurons can't really explain what I felt", Spencer felt his eyes fill with tears. The priest reached across the table and laid his hand on the younger man's.

"You can't know everything. That's why believing is so important for people"

Spencer nodded and slowly pulled his hand out from under Father Hotchner's.

"But I'm not sure if I believe. So I want to apologize", the agent clasped his hands nervously.

"What for? "

"For confessing to you without telling you about this"

"It doesn't change anything about you being forgiven."

"It doesn't? "

"God, or whatever you want to call it, forgave you. If that still seems too abstract, remember, I forgave you"

The priest's words left Spencer speechless for almost a minute. When he recovered himself, he stood up.

"Thank you. For everything. I'm sorry for bothering you"

"You're not bothering me, nor were you. And you are welcome", the priest stood up as well and approached him.

Reid quickly shook his hand and with a shy smile he left the chamber.

He was halfway down the aisle of the cathedral when he turned his head. The priest had gone back to the altar but his facial expression had changed. He looked sad now. Reid stopped and contemplated going back to him to ask him what was wrong. But before he had decided what to do, another priest had approached the black haired man and Father Hotchner was smiling again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Spencer went to the cathedral early the next day to attend the morning mass. To his disappointment it wasn't Father Hotchner delivering the sermon but another priest. Reid tried to listen to his words but not only did his mind drift, he also started to feel dizzy again. When people grabbed the chant books lying in front of them and stood up, Reid took the opportunity to slip out of the building. Outside he leaned against the church door and took deep breaths.

The fresh air helped and after a few minutes he felt like he was able to go back into the cathedral, when he saw a familiar figure standing a few feet away.

"Father Hotchner", he greeted the priest.

When the man turned around and just smiled at him, Reid realized that he had never introduced himself.

"I'm so sorry. My name is Spencer Reid"

"Good to see you again, Mr. Reid"

"Good to see you too, Father."

They stood there for a few moments looking at each other, Reid's hands fumbled nervously. "Why are you out here?" he finally asked.

The priest's face didn't betray any emotions but Spencer felt like he had said something wrong. "I'm so…" he started to apologize but a sudden onset of trembling stopped him mid sentence.

"Are you alright?" Hotchner asked and rushed to his side.

"I'm okay", Spencer hissed through gritted teeth, "Just withdrawal symptoms"

"Do you need a doctor?"

"I am a doctor"

The priest frowned but didn't enquire further. "Should I call someone?"

"No. Don't call anyone", Reid had to bend forward as a cramp hit him. He coughed. "I don't have… anyone"

The priest laid a hand onto his back and the warmth it poured into Spencer distracted him from the pain.

"Come with me", he said when Reid's breathing had somewhat normalized. Spencer followed the man behind the cathedral, into a building attached to the church. When the Father opened a door with his name on it, he realized it was the dormitory of the priests.

Hotchner made him lay down on a couch that stood at the edge of the large room, went to the kitchenette opposite of it and brought back a glass of water. Spencer took a few sips and felt himself relax.

"Thank you, Father", he said.

"You're welcome, Dr. Reid", the priest said and sat down on a chair next to the couch.

"Please drop the doctor; I don't know why I said that"

"Alright", the priest said and looked at him with an earnest expression.

"I don't know…" Reid repeated. He mumbled the words all over again until he sunk back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to know everything and all of a sudden to know nothing at all anymore?"

"I'm not sure I do", the priest said, "Would you like to tell me?"

"I do. That's another thing that changed, another thing that makes me question myself. I was never one to talk to other people about my problems. I always thought if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. Of course it never did but why should I bother other people with…" he trailed off. After a moment he cleared his throat and started again, "But since that night I showed up in the cathedral, I want to talk. I want to talk to you"

"I'm glad you feel this way. You can trust me with anything, that's what I'm here for"

"I have an IQ of 187, I can read 20,000 words per minute and I have an eidetic memory. I graduated high school at 12. I am what people call a genius but at the moment I'm not sure what to think, what to believe in any more. With that one incident everything changed. I never drank alcohol, I always told my mother to quit smoking but here I am recovering from an addiction to dilaudid"

"But you were forcibly addicted to it, weren't you?"

"Does that really make a difference?" Spencer mumbled, more to himself than to the priest. He coughed again before speaking, "There's something else. Something really stupid"

"I'm sure it's not"

"I told you about the light I saw and the warmth I felt… In a way I felt loved. It's strange because I don't really know how that feels like but it was similar to the feeling I had when my mother had a good day and spent time with me. I felt happy. And I think… I was in heaven"

Spencer looked up at the priest unsurely. The man reached out and took Spencer's hands in his.

"That's stupid, right?"

"No, it's not. Maybe you were in heaven, maybe you weren't"

"Whatever it was, I felt good. And then I got torn back to earth, to reality. Where everything was cold and dark and painful", Spencer felt himself tear up. "I'm sorry", he said and wanted to sit up, but the priest gently pushed him down again.

"There is no need for you to apologize. You don't have to be ashamed to have feelings and you can let yourself be vulnerable here. This", he said and gestured around, "is your safe place. Your sanctuary, if you will."

"I'd like that", Spencer said but moved his hands away from the priest's to rub at his eyes. "But don't you understand? I think back to those few minutes I was dead with wistfulness. That was why I continued using the drugs. It made being alive a little easier. Don't you get what an ungrateful person I am?"

Father Hotchner shook his head. When he looked at Reid, there were so many emotions in his dark eyes, the younger man's breath caught in his throat and he had to cough again. "Mr. Reid, what you are telling me, the way you think, the way that you feel; show me that you are a truly good person. I personally believe that there are no bad people; that there are just people giving in to the dark side that is in all of us. But you… you are the most pure person I have ever met"

Spencer chuckled but Hotchner's face was serious as he looked at him in awe. Spencer blushed and sat up. "I've got to get going"

"Of course", the priest said and stood. "I'll see you out"

They were almost all the way out of the dormitory when the black haired man told Reid to wait. He rushed towards a rack filled with pamphlets and leaflets and fished a light blue brochure out.

"I think this might be of interest to you", he said and handed it to Spencer.

"Faith Formation" he read.

"I'm not trying to convert you or anything but you told me you were not certain what to believe and there are inquiry meetings that might help you."

"Thank you", Spencer said and smiled.

"If you have any questions about… well, about anything, I suggest you talk to Father Neil. He's the one who held the mass today"

Reid's smile vanished. "Why not to you?"

"Father Neil is… more experienced than I am. Especially in the study of the Bible"

"I know the Bible by heart. I don't mean to be rude, but discussing a book is not really what I am looking for here"

"I'm sorry", the priest said as he opened the door for Spencer, he himself remained in the doorway. "But I'm not sure I'm the right person for you to talk to"

Reid frowned but before he could think of anything to say, the priest had nodded and returned into the dormitory.


End file.
